Category Archives: Psychology

Learning How To Connect

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Early on in my practice, I often found deep peace in my alone time meditating, but I was disturbed to watch that peace become inaccessible when I went out into the world. Why couldn’t I stay in the present moment when I was with others? Why did I continue to repeat unhealthy patterns of behavior in my relationships? Why did I leave my interactions (some of them, anyway) feeling depleted instead of energized?

What I discovered was that I didn’t know how to connect well. I had learned meditation tools to keep me in balance when I was on my own, but I was still skipping over what is, perhaps, the most important emotional resource that humans have: co-regulation.

Co-regulation is the process by which two people come into emotional balance through attuning to one another (giving each other their attention) and allowing an empathetic connection to form (each person feeling the other’s emotions). Some people have an easier time with this than others. The better you are at it (and the better the people are with whom you are connecting) the more often you will find yourself balanced and energized through connection.
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How to Clear Your Mind: A Novel Approach

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The traditional Buddhist spiritual path is divided into three trainings:

  1. The training in concentration
  2. The training in insight
  3. The training in ethics

However, in many secular mindfulness circles, the ethical training (the cultivation of virtuous qualities like kindness, forgiveness, and compassion) is stripped out in the name of simplifying the system or removing religious overtones. Furthermore, for many seekers who get lured into deep practice by altered state experiences (usually from high concentration) or promises of sudden awakening (which can come from deep insight), the idea of engaging in a training in ethics just doesn't seem flashy enough.

Many people carry a belief that the ethics piece will "just work itself out once they are enlightened." (Not always so). And for many, it's easier to sit through painful silent retreats than to think kind thoughts about another person, or themselves. But we are clearly seeing that ethics doesn't train itself. Frankly, for me, it is a central aspect of the path and a prerequisite to meaningful, digestible insight.

George Haas, a teacher and friend who I often mention, likes to say that the spiritual path starts with a commitment to be a good person. This is not only for moral reasons. Buddhist ethics is the answer to the question what kind of mind becomes liberated?

The meditative path requires substantial inner stillness. But we can only drop in so deeply if our minds are filled with regret about unskillful actions, fear of retaliation against our cruelty, or incessant resentful or self-critical thinking. And we can only drop in so deeply if we know we haven't been honest, spoken our truth, or pursued our goals. It's simply too painful and too dissonant.

The ethical training teaches us to move through the world continually complete, so we aren't rehashing things we should have done but didn't, or things we did but shouldn't have done. Only through this continual completeness can we stay in the present moment, setting the stage for progress on the path.

And this is the reason why attachment repair is integral. If your nervous system is trained to balance itself out using incessant angry, sad or fearful thinking, it's not reasonable to expect a quiet mind. If the fear of abandonment is too great to permit you to speak authentically, those inauthenticities are going to be rolling around up there. The more deeply we look at ourselves, the more clearly we will see the distortions and missteps, and the more inhibiting they will become.

So what kind of mind becomes liberated?

  • An honest mind.
  • A sincere mind.
  • A compassionate mind.
  • A happy mind.
  • A confident mind.
  • A secure mind.

It may seem trite, but the expression is true, we need to learn to love ourselves and each other. Not as a result of deep insight, but as a pre-requisite for deep insight. Otherwise, as the old saying goes, our spiritual path is like trying to row a boat that's still tied to the dock.

Mindfulness & Attachment Theory

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You probably came to meditation because, in one way or another, life wasn’t working. Like me, you may have had the expectation that the internal work of meditation would handle all your external problems. Gee, wouldn’t that be nice?

Unfortunately, meditation will never replace the need for meaningful relationships and meaningful pursuits. It may not even provide the right tools to support you in those aspects of life! It all depends on which techniques you choose for your formal meditation time, and how well you apply mindfulness to your day-to-day experience.

To me, the best way to stay on track is to bridge classical mindfulness with a psychological model that helps to explain the way we function in the world. By far, the most relevant, robust, and well researched model is Attachment Theory.

Attachment Theory refers to a set of foundational views of self and world. For example, an “insecurely attached” individual may see themselves as unworthy of happiness and meaningful connection, or the world as a place where these things cannot be found. Different “attachment styles” have different views, but these views tend to lie so deep in the structure of one’s mind/personality that they aren’t even recognized as views. They are simply the way things are, in much the same way that a colorblind person may not know that they are misperceiving certain aspects of the visual world until this is pointed out.

If these foundational views aren’t acknowledged, a person might find deep peace in their personal meditation practice, while relationships and life circumstances continue to be draining, unsatisfying, or even frightening.

But using mindfulness in specific ways, we can become aware of our hidden attachment conditioning and, if it’s not working, begin to change it. This results in a meditation practice that is truly comprehensive: not just an escape, but an empowering force to enrich life and propel us happily through it.

If this view of meditation resonates with you, you may want to sign up for my free 7-Day Meditation Challenge. In seven 10-15 minute guided mediations, you’ll learn the basic tools in the toolkit, and begin to explore how to apply them to your life. You can sign up on the right side of this page, or using this link.

Want to read more about attachment theory? The New York Times recently did a nice long piece about it. Additionally, The WikiPedia article is great.

For a longer-term investment, psychologist Stan Tatkin has created two easy-to-digest books on the subject (Wired for Love and Wired for Dating). If you’re a clinician and you want to leverage this model in your work with clients, I strongly recommend Attachment In Psychotherapy.

Just Say The Thing

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speak the truth

My friend and mentor George Haas likes to say, “in order to be fully authentic, you have to be fully willing to be abandoned.” It’s hard to overestimate how scary authenticity can be. That thing you want to say, that perfect, unique expression that just arises, can be so terrifying to actually voice that it seems not to be an option. Maybe you rationalize your way out of it. Maybe you don’t even hear it in the first place.

Consciously or unconsciously, each one of us finds a compromise—a middle ground between utterly opaque and utterly transparent. We pare down our authenticity until the fear of abandonment can be managed. We sugar-coat and acquiesce. We keep things to ourselves and hold grudges.

Sometimes it really isn’t safe. Sometimes our trust hasn’t been earned. No one wants to reveal their wounds to a bully, asking to be victimized. But so often, we move forward into relationships driven primarily by fear. Half-seen, half-trusting. And relationships only realize half their potential.

How can I be at ease with someone when I know that they don’t know how things really are for me?

We want so desperately to be seen, so let’s risk it! Let’s learn to hold the discomfort and express our authenticity. Let’s lovingly tend to that scared part inside. It takes time, building up emotional awareness and resilience. It takes discernment and patience, sometimes moving stepwise into authenticity as a friend or companion does the same. And yes, it takes a willingness to be abandoned. Not everyone will accept this new offering. This new person who you really are. But in the vacancies, new relationships will emerge that you can fully trust. Fully value. In which you can feel fully safe.

As I see it, a spiritual life is not about escape. It’s not about isolation. It’s not about figuring out how to “go it alone.” The real spiritual warrior practices to show up in the world, in community, in relationships. In every mundane moment, effortlessly authentic. In every interaction, exquisitely kind and fearlessly complete.

Worthiness

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When we decide that we are worthy, when we decide that we are good enough, there is no need to hide, and the world becomes safe.